So, after Ci i spent another couple days in socal. And it was a cool couple days.*I should be doing my essay but let me do this really quick.* So the day of New Years Eve I get a text from my sister.... she's just asking me if i'm coming back home for New Years. I told her to ask my brother because he's the one driving me back up north. Then my mom calls me. She wasn't yelling like I'm used to. She was just asking if I was coming back. And I told her no I don't think so. I feel bad as it is. She calls my brother and he says we're not and she gets mad. You see Johnny doesn't come home often. He tends to be in socal or stay up in Napa where he goes to college. All my mom wanted was to have the family in San Jose. We basically failed her. I felt terrible. Yet, Johnny didn't really. I reccently found out my mom TEXTed, yeah TEXTed I didn't know she knew how LOL, but yeah texted him," How can you be so distant from our family now * this isn't what she said I'm paraphrasing her. is that what it's called? haha* you'd rather be with your girlfriend in down south than with family? What's wrong with you?"
And you know what it hurts. I felt terrible. My dad told me when I CALLED to say happy new year, Johnny didn't i think. but yeah he told me my mom was at work because we weren't there. Right then and there. I knew my mom missed us. She doesn't tell us she misses us. She basically shows her feelings and doesn't show us vulnerability. She's truly a hardworker. I do love my Mom. I don't want to disappoint her. and well yeah I think i'll start my essay soon. I basically want to say that God works in mysterious ways because before I couldn't get along with my parents as much as I am now after this years Ci. They know I'm getting something out of it. So yeah until next time !
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm finally motivated to type something up.
So it's been a while. I just read bens blog for the first time and It gave me the motivation to type what has been going on in the past couple months.
So recap. During Christmas break I was down south and spending time with family and all. After Christmas was Ci. And for those who don't know. Ci stands for, Christmas Institute or Christian Institute. Well yeah, this years Ci has probably been the most emotional, uplifting, and awesome ones in the 6 years I've been going. You'd usually go to Ci for a life check. You go and you're so excited to jump, sing, and worship the lord no doubt. And the great thing about it was you get closer to the people that you have faded away from and closer to God. It's awesome. This year I went through a phase were I was lost and I couldn't face the fact that I was losing a friend that I liked at one point, but then see her change in a quick minute. Her whole idea of life went from optimistic and happy, to having that happiness be shrouded over by drugs. And that was really like bad. She used to be so Anti-Drug. and I felt just as bad going through the same thing, but with alcohol. To make things short and simple. We finally made up after being completely alienated from each other after a big fight. You see during the 4th night and final night of Ci, I was part of this thing called Cardboard Testimonies.....
mmk well yeah I'm in it. Mine was kinda deep. It made her come up to me and just say she loves me and was sorry for everything she put me through, she put me through a lot. Just made me not want to have ANY contact with her whatsoever. and I couldn't look at her in the eye for a good long time because everytime I did.. It was hard. just to be normal around her. I lost a lot of respect for her but was still there obviously. If I saw her fall I'd pick her up because that's what I was to her. I was her pillar of support whenever anyone was putting her down. at least that's what she said to me. but yeah It got us close again and I'm not going to leave her side and I know I can go to her for anything.
Another person I can say I got to open up to is my brother. Everytime I saw his Cardboard just made things hard for me. I couldn't help but to break down in tears. It was hard. It was hard to confront him about my cardboard. The night before we had a group of leaders who haven't done a cardboard before and we just wanted to give the background about what our cardboards meant. and by far... the most emotional thing i've done in life. everyone had the craziest stories, sex, drugs and alcohol, the hate for what a father has sexual abused and tried to mess a family up. anything. Mine was just about how much I felt left out, i felts the least loved child by my parents. The sucky part was to have johnny sitting straight ahead of me looking at me. When I was growing up Johnny was the example. Not my older brother or sister. Johnny. The good student. the person that was the best at everything. I couldn't handle the pressure my parents put on me,but anyways. When I was saying it. I can just start seeing my brother's tears go down his face. I NEVER seen him cry for me or even about me. I knew he loved me of course we're brothers... but to have to see him cry was the hardest thing in my life to see. You can't imagine how much tears came out of my eyes and his eyes. I could never had imagined that. And I forgot to add.. The reason why I couldn't help breaking down and looking at my brothers cardboard is because it was about suicide... Why.. you know? the brother I HAD to look up to all these years had thoughts of suicide? No, I couldn't believe it. So that's why I HAD to open up and say what I had to say. After the group was done I had my friend Mark come up to me, just reminding me God made me different, made everyone different and unique. And it touches me everytime. He came from a family kinda the same as me. So we related to the same thing. Anyways. after we were done. My brother came to me and we just hugged for a really long time crying and just giving me comfort and telling me he's always going to be there. And we don't do this often. My family was raised to not show any emotions to each other but to be mad and yell. It's just another step to grow closer to a loved one. That's what Ci does. That's what gave me the closest friends and bestfriend. Nothing can replace them. And God is great. I think I can stop at that for today... Today was a good day even though it was raining. And to think I had planned to blog the past 2 months and only type up only 2 out of the 5 days of Ci. Yeah Ci is that crazy (:.
So recap. During Christmas break I was down south and spending time with family and all. After Christmas was Ci. And for those who don't know. Ci stands for, Christmas Institute or Christian Institute. Well yeah, this years Ci has probably been the most emotional, uplifting, and awesome ones in the 6 years I've been going. You'd usually go to Ci for a life check. You go and you're so excited to jump, sing, and worship the lord no doubt. And the great thing about it was you get closer to the people that you have faded away from and closer to God. It's awesome. This year I went through a phase were I was lost and I couldn't face the fact that I was losing a friend that I liked at one point, but then see her change in a quick minute. Her whole idea of life went from optimistic and happy, to having that happiness be shrouded over by drugs. And that was really like bad. She used to be so Anti-Drug. and I felt just as bad going through the same thing, but with alcohol. To make things short and simple. We finally made up after being completely alienated from each other after a big fight. You see during the 4th night and final night of Ci, I was part of this thing called Cardboard Testimonies.....
mmk well yeah I'm in it. Mine was kinda deep. It made her come up to me and just say she loves me and was sorry for everything she put me through, she put me through a lot. Just made me not want to have ANY contact with her whatsoever. and I couldn't look at her in the eye for a good long time because everytime I did.. It was hard. just to be normal around her. I lost a lot of respect for her but was still there obviously. If I saw her fall I'd pick her up because that's what I was to her. I was her pillar of support whenever anyone was putting her down. at least that's what she said to me. but yeah It got us close again and I'm not going to leave her side and I know I can go to her for anything.
Another person I can say I got to open up to is my brother. Everytime I saw his Cardboard just made things hard for me. I couldn't help but to break down in tears. It was hard. It was hard to confront him about my cardboard. The night before we had a group of leaders who haven't done a cardboard before and we just wanted to give the background about what our cardboards meant. and by far... the most emotional thing i've done in life. everyone had the craziest stories, sex, drugs and alcohol, the hate for what a father has sexual abused and tried to mess a family up. anything. Mine was just about how much I felt left out, i felts the least loved child by my parents. The sucky part was to have johnny sitting straight ahead of me looking at me. When I was growing up Johnny was the example. Not my older brother or sister. Johnny. The good student. the person that was the best at everything. I couldn't handle the pressure my parents put on me,but anyways. When I was saying it. I can just start seeing my brother's tears go down his face. I NEVER seen him cry for me or even about me. I knew he loved me of course we're brothers... but to have to see him cry was the hardest thing in my life to see. You can't imagine how much tears came out of my eyes and his eyes. I could never had imagined that. And I forgot to add.. The reason why I couldn't help breaking down and looking at my brothers cardboard is because it was about suicide... Why.. you know? the brother I HAD to look up to all these years had thoughts of suicide? No, I couldn't believe it. So that's why I HAD to open up and say what I had to say. After the group was done I had my friend Mark come up to me, just reminding me God made me different, made everyone different and unique. And it touches me everytime. He came from a family kinda the same as me. So we related to the same thing. Anyways. after we were done. My brother came to me and we just hugged for a really long time crying and just giving me comfort and telling me he's always going to be there. And we don't do this often. My family was raised to not show any emotions to each other but to be mad and yell. It's just another step to grow closer to a loved one. That's what Ci does. That's what gave me the closest friends and bestfriend. Nothing can replace them. And God is great. I think I can stop at that for today... Today was a good day even though it was raining. And to think I had planned to blog the past 2 months and only type up only 2 out of the 5 days of Ci. Yeah Ci is that crazy (:.
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